Marriage and Family in the Later Years

I have covered many challenges that come to marriages and families, but I have mostly focused on early marriage and family. Today I want to focus on some things that are unique to life later in marriage and family. 

Custodial Grandparents

One challenge I mentioned briefly in my last post was that of grandparents raising their While this can be quite a burden on an aging adult, it can also pose an opportunity for the grandparent to be involved in their grandchild's life. The number of grandparents who have custodial care of their grandchildren has increased in the recent years to about 2.4 million in the United States. This situation often comes as a result of the parents losing their rights as parents. While this is not an ideal situation, children who are raised by their grandparents do better academically and behaviorally than if they were left in the care of their poorly functioning parents. 

If you are a grandparent raising your grandchildren it is important to be aware of how taxing it can be. Grandparents in this situation are more likely to suffer depression and have health problems. Although it is stressful to be raising children again, it is important to some of the grandparents because they believe that they were at least partially responsible for the failings of their own children. They see their chance to raise their grandchildren as an opportunity to redeem themselves in a way through providing the quality of care that they can to their grandchildren. 

The graduation of the youngest child is the beginning of the empty nest.

Empty Nest

An empty nest would be the opposite of becoming a custodial parent, but it poses some unique challenges as well. Sometimes as parents successfully launch all of their children from their home, they may find a new struggle to find what drives them when it is no longer their children. Parents in this stage that find their home empty and quiet may think if their lives are no longer driven by the activities and daily needs of their children, what is their purpose? There is suddenly much more free time and an interruption to the identity they have known for themselves for at least two decades. The time of an empty nest has proven to be more often challenging for women. 

It is important that couples nurture their relationship throughout their time raising children, so that when they get to the point of the empty nest they still have a relationship to enjoy together. When all the children are moved out of the home is the time that couples can rekindle the romance. This can be an exciting time to reestablish what their relationship means to them and to even redefine themselves as individuals. 

Retirement

While the empty nest tends to be more of a challenge for women, the time of retirement proves more difficult for the men. Perhaps it is because often men develop a sense of their identity through the work that they do in their career. Men dedicate their lives to providing for their family, and they do this through earning a living at their job. Men that are wonderful providers sometimes forget to develop their own personal skills or hobbies. When the time comes to retire from working, men find themselves somewhat lost in how to move forward with their lives. This situation poses a challenge for a men, such as role transition. A retired man must reestablish what their role is in their marriage and family. 

Both of these times later in life, the empty nest and retirement, can be really stressful and depressing times if we let them. However, we can also choose to make the most of these situations. Both of these stages can be exciting for an aging couple as they now find more time to enjoy each other's company, or to pursue hobbies they have had on hold for so long while raising a family. It is also during this time that a couple may start to enjoy having grandchildren. All these transitions can be surprisingly difficult for individuals and married couples, but they can also be an exciting time of exploration. Marriage and family is always what we choose to make of it whether it be early on or in the later years. 

The Importance of Fathers and Mothers

Fathers

While there is no way to guarantee the success of a child, the presence of a father greatly contributes to it. There have been many studies done on this topic that have found the effects of an absent father to be quite negative. The two most common contributors to fathers being absent from a child's life stem from having children outside of marriage and getting a divorce. When we look at the children who do not have a father present in their life and compare them to those that do have a father in their lives, generally speaking the children without a father present score lower academically, are more likely to drop out of school and display behavioral problems. As they age, these are more likely to use illegal substances, become sexually active at a younger age and to experience psychological problems as adults. These kids will also grow to be adults that are more likely to struggle to establish healthy and long-lasting relationships with other adults.

What Does it Mean to be Present?

To be present means to be cognitively and emotionally available to your child. Fathers need to notice when their child is bidding for their attention and to make an effort to put down their cell phones and to look away from the t.v. so they can show their children that they are present and available when they need them. Children are smarter than we give them credit for and notice when we are not willing to give them the attention they are craving. Some fathers are not home as often as they would like to be. This can be hard for a family, but it still has potential to be a healthy situation for the child if when the father is home he is really present with his children. As long as children know that their father is available and able to respond to their needs in a timely manner, they will be more likely to develop a healthy attachment in the relationship which will lead to healthier relationships in their future. 

Mothers

Just like with fathers, mothers play an important role in establishing a healthy pattern for their children's future relationships. When a child cries or makes an attempted request for a need that they have, and the mother is unresponsive just one time, the effect is not likely to be long-lasting. Imagine a small child with a mother who is frequently unavailable because of a preoccupation with other things such as drugs, alcohol or surfing the Internet. When this happens time and time again, day after day, the child will develop some coping mechanisms. The child will eventually learn that their primary caregiver is not a reliable source of nurturing or caring. The child will become distant, anxious, or maybe even angry. This is what social scientists call an insecure attachment pattern. Mothers have the main source of influence on the attachment style that their child develops and maintains throughout their lifetime. The way that a mother interacts with her child is the strongest consistent predictor of a child's social, emotional and developmental behavior. It is impossible to over-emphasize the importance a mother or a father in the life of a child. 

Individual Circumstances

It is important to realize that we are all unique with individual circumstances that may require different ways of doing things in our families. Many mothers work outside of the home, many fathers must work long hours. There are increasing numbers of single-parent homes. Sometimes grandparents are the ones raising the children. Whatever your circumstances are, the most important thing is that you are striving to give your child the physical and emotional tools that they need to feel secure. When a child feels a sense of security in their home and family life, it is from this place that they feel safe to explore their world. 

Family Fun

Family Recreation

Now this is one of my favorite posts because our family does a lot of recreation, especially in the summer. In the winter time we slow way down, and kind of go into hibernation mode. Winter time is the end of football season which is a very busy season in our home, and then the basketball season comes. We stay pretty busy during the school year just getting to all the kids' sports events, but in the summer time we enjoy relaxation and recreational activities. The activities we enjoy most include lounging around in the air conditioned house (it gets up past 100 degrees here most summers), camping, swimming, boating, playing frisbee, barbecuing, going on walks, picking huckleberries, baking goodies, running in the sprinklers (the little ones, not me) among many other activities. I am so thankful my husband is a teacher and I am a stay at home mom because we really get to enjoy our summers by spending tons of time together as a family. I think all families should get to enjoy the summer together free from work and school. As a blended family, this has been an especially important blessing for us. Summer gives us a chance to de-stress and just live in the moment, instead of always rushing to the next obligation/responsibility. While most families are not as lucky as we are to have summers off, there is always time to fit a little recreation in with the family every now and then. 

On this camping trip, we hiked to this waterfall area to play in the water. Missing one family member on this trip, but still had tons of fun and had to capture a family picture.

Our favorite place to go boating/swimming/cliff jumping in the summer. That cliff to the left, that is where they jump. We have made so many beautiful memories at Billy Clapp Lake. 

Recreation is not always done outside of the home. There are many leisure activities you can do with your family at home that will add to the strength of the family unit just as well. Some ideas are reading books together, playing a board game or cards, singing, or you can turn up the music and have a dance party. We really enjoy baking in our home, and we've been known to play a game of Yahtzee now and then. Although, it's been far too long since we have.

Anthony and Gaven playing cards on the beach on one of our family vacations. 

 Studies have found that families who regularly engage in common everyday, low-cost, home-based activities have higher levels of family cohesiveness than families who do not. Family vacations have been found to increase communication and bonding within the family. Although, one thing to consider with vacations is that all family members need to pitch in and help with the responsibilities so that each family member is able to enjoy the vacation. This is especially important for the mothers. Mothers tend to carry a heavier load during family vacations, especially if there are small children. Before you head out on a vacation, have a conversation as a family about the expectations so that it can be an enjoyable experience for all, and not just for the kids. 

Celebrating birthdays is an important family tradition that we practice.
We keep it simple, but I make sure to always bake a homemade cake for each family member on their birthday. 

Another side of this recreation thing is rituals and celebrations within a family. Families who practice rituals and celebrations together are simultaneously increasing unity and kindness while decreasing contention. One well-known ritual that I am an advocate for is family meals. Our family has always made it a priority to eat dinner together whenever possible. This has been another huge blessing for our family, as it has been for many other families.

Family dinner is even better when our kids have friends over. We just squeeze around our table and make more memories.

Studies have shown that family meals provide many benefits for families and their individuals. Some of the benefits include increased family communication, healthier diets, better grades at school, and improved mental health, especially for adolescents. There are more benefits than I have listed here, which is why it is so surprising to me that only about one third of families make this a daily priority. If you could only do one thing to strengthen your children, family dinner together would be my first suggestion. It does take effort and advanced planning, but it is worth every effort. 

Family Work

Mothers Set the Household Tone for Family Work 

"We have built homes as if they were backgrounds to set off our imaginatively selected furniture and fabrics, our artistic arrangements and color combinations...Somehow we forgot to build a home for a zestful, boisterous, untidy existence; full of the opportunity and invitation to real talk and quarreling and anguish and absorbing spontaneous activities...Does my kitchen invite a rush of noisy feet to find out what is cooking, to batter me with excited accounts of the day's happenings or even with offers of help? Or have I planned it so successfully, with such step-saving, muscle-bound efficiency, that it freezes out my husband and my children?" ~Dorothy Lee

 

My daughter, Aubrey and I in the kitchen cooking together.

As a mother, I understand that I set the tone for family work in my home. I have noticed that when I am cranky at dinner time, so is everyone else. I have also noticed that when I help clear the table after dinner with a willing and cheerful heart, so does everyone else (well, maybe not everyone, all the time, but generally speaking). It is not always easy to keep a positive attitude while tending to my household, but it sure makes it a more enjoyable experience for me and for everyone else. I don't know about all you other mothers and fathers out there, but I sometimes forget that my children are still learning, and I cannot expect my children to do the household chores in just the way that I do them. I try to remember this and to be thankful for any effort they are willing to add because it is not just about the chores getting done. Family work is important for building and strengthening relationships with one another. While I know this, I still struggle with it at times.

While I set the tone for family work, each family member is vitally important in keeping everything running smoothly within our home. When one family member acts as if their efforts are not needed, it throws everything off balance. Children must know that we need and expect their help in the family home. This might sound mean to some parents, but it is actually good for children to feel they are needed, even if it is to help with something they would rather not help with.

My four year-old son spontaneously unloading the dishwasher. He knows his help is needed.

Are You Running a Business or Raising Children?

Technological advances have made this task more difficult. In this day and age there are countless distractions for parents and children, so many that working together often gets neglected. Mothers often feel it is just easier to do things themselves instead of putting in the effort it takes to get a child to help with a task. I have been known to do this even though I know it is a disservice to myself and my children. Something that has really had an impact on me was a short excerpt I read from a study regarding the value of community and autonomy (personal freedom):

 A Navajo woman recalls learning to cook by watching her grandmother: "She cut me a little dough and tell me to make it like this and I try my best to make it. And there was a hot coal under it, and when it bubbled up I turned it over and I just do that and that is how I learned how to cook.

This alone is not as powerful as the comment that came after this story. "With no sense of hurry, the work was allowed to proceed at the pace of the child." Reading this really caused me to reflect on how patient (or impatient) I am with my own children, especially when I have recruited them to help me in the kitchen or somewhere else in the home. Since I read this a couple weeks ago I have made more of an effort to go at the pace of my children. It seems as if many of us have turned to thinking of our homes as a business. There must be no wasting of time or anything for that matter. We believe we must do everything quickly and efficiently. The problem with this is that my home is NOT a business like the world looks at business. If I must call it any kind of business, I would say that I am in the business of raising my children to be happy, loved, self-sufficient, God-fearing individuals. When I worry myself with always being in a hurry or making sure tasks are done just right, it becomes counter-productive to my eternal goal.

A Navajo family shown here is not concerned with getting things done in a hurry. They are focused on living in the moment with one another and doing what is necessary, but not in a hurry. 

Fathers Set the Example for Participation in Household Chores

Mothers are not the only ones that have an important role to play in household work. Fathers set the example for participation in household chores. I love this story that displays the important role of a husband and father told by a neighbor to the Prophet Joseph Smith, named Jesse Crosby.

Some of the home habits of the Prophet--such as building kitchen fires, carrying out ashes, carrying in wood and water, assisting in the care of the children, etc.-- were not in accord with my idea of a great man's self-respect. [An occasion when] the Prophet [returned a] sack of flour gave me the opportunity to give him some corrective advice which I had desired to do for a long time. I reminded him of every phase of his greatness and called to his mind the multitude of tasks he performed that were too menial for such as he....The Prophet listened quietly to all I had to say, then made his answer in these words: "If there be humiliation in a man's house, who but the head of that house should or could bear that humiliation?"...Thinking to give the Prophet some light on home management, I said to him, "Brother Joseph, my wife does much more hard work than does your wife." Brother Joseph replied by telling me that if a man cannot learn in this life to appreciate a wife and do his duty by her, in properly taking care of her, he need not expect to be given one in the hereafter. His words shut my mouth as tight as a clam. I took them as terrible reproof. After that I tried to do better by the good wife I had and tried to lighten her labors.

I love the general message of the Prophet's response here because it speaks to the fact that yes, he was a Prophet of God, but still, nothing takes away his responsibility to care for and serve his wife and children in and out of the home.

David makes breakfast for our family every morning, whether we are at home or in the wilderness.
The kids see this example he is setting and want to be a part of it.

Family Work Can be a Joyful Blessing

I so appreciate the ways my husband helps with household chores, not just for the sake that I do not have to do them myself. I appreciate his efforts because he is setting an example for our children to see that we are a team and we must work together. When we work together as a family, it becomes less a burden and more of a blessing. Family work poses special opportunities for us to interact and have shared experiences. Don't forget that these opportunities to work together now will someday be faraway and cherished memories.

My family putting in a garden a few years ago at our old house. 

I grew up living next door to my grandparents on ten acres. There were many more opportunities for work than I ever accepted, but I do have fond memories of working in our apple orchard and picking strawberries with my siblings. I also remember fondly, my grandfather putting in many, many hours of hard work on our farm for the benefit of our family. I appreciate more fully as an adult the work that he did on the land. My husband reminds me of my grandfather, and I am eternally grateful for both of these good men in my life.

If you want to read more on this topic, I really love this article. The authors, Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless give more of an in-depth look at the blessings that family work can bring. Also included is a more thorough background of family work that goes on to discuss how family work has changed in our modern world, and why it continues to be so vital for building and strengthening our family relationships.

What Family Work Did you Experience and Benefit From

Can you remember the work your family did together when you were growing up? How meaningful was it to you then compared to the meaning it has to you today? Please share your own family work experiences in the comments section.

Marriage: Why? and How?

What in the World is the Purpose of Marriage?

Unfortunately, it is now a common belief for many that marriage has become an obsolete institution. It is true that with science and technological advances, the institution of marriage is technically no longer necessary for survival of the individual or even for the ability to have children. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we learn that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." Some of you may be asking why in the world would the all-knowing, creator of the universe want us to join together in a union that would have the potential to be so difficult and sometimes even painful? Is it possible that those who no longer believe in marriage are looking at it in the wrong light?

Some look at marriage as something that needs to be continually serving them personally. These individuals believe the marital relationship needs to be continuously fulfilling, or they will quickly lose interest and find a way to exit the relationship. A question I have for these folks is, what would happen if your spouse suddenly became disabled or seriously ill? Would you, in that circumstance, just give up because the relationship is no longer serving you? I think we have forgotten that marriage is a lifetime commitment that is meant to stand through the tests of time. While I do understand and agree that marriage can stretch us to our limits, I also know it to be the best way to learn and develop important characteristics such as patience, forgiveness, long-suffering, acceptance of differences, and service. This has been my own personal experience. I trust that the reason God wants us to marry is that it is only through marriage that we are able to learn the important things He needs us to learn here on this earthly journey. I believe that a marriage between a man and a woman which is built on righteous principles is the ultimate path to happiness in this life and in the life to come. 

Social Scientists have found that there are many physical, mental and social health benefits associated with being married. Married adults tend to be much healthier and live longer than unmarried individuals. Married adults recover from illness and injury quicker than non-married individuals. Married folks also struggle less with depression and other mental illnesses. There was a recent study involving 30 European countries that found that there is even a happiness gap between cohabiting couples and married couples. Married people report higher levels of happiness, and higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives than the unmarried. 

How Can I Experience More Happiness in my Marriage?

Two really important skills I have discovered to a higher degree and worked to develop in my marriage are forgiveness and seeking forgiveness. I will openly admit that I am flawed and imperfect. I sometimes do and say things within my marriage out of frustration, exhaustion or anger that I end up regretting. My husband has been a great example of seeking to understand what I am going through when I have done or said hurtful things to him. It blows my mind that even when I am the one being rude to him, he is the one that is wondering if I am okay and wanting to help me in any way that he can. This has really humbled me and led me to be more cautious of speaking and acting out when I am tired or overwhelmed. Looking back to when we were first married, I was so filled with pride and the need to be right. Gradually, his example has worked to soften my heart, and I have gotten better at seeking to understand his side of things too. As he continually forgives me of my trespasses against him, he has taught me what a beautiful thing forgiveness within a marriage can be. Apology and forgiveness have strengthened our marital bond in many ways. Neither one of us is perfect, so forgiveness is a very real and regular part of our marriage. 

Sometimes marriage is really hard and exhausting, but in the end we still got each other, which makes everything we go through totally worth it. Knowing you will always have someone on your team is pretty much priceless.
David and I after a long and beautiful day of hiking back in 2015.

What Steps Do I Need to Take in Apologizing?

The steps of apology and change are outlined in the book, On Apology by the Psychiatrist and author, Aaron Lazare. Lazare states that a successful apology includes several important parts including:

1. Acknowledgement of the offense.
2. An appropriate expression of regret, remorse, or sorrow.
3. A suitable offer of repayment or restitution.
4. A pledge for behavior reform to ensure the offense is not repeated.

Lazare explains that if any of the four elements are either missing or inadequate, the apology will fail. Each of these steps is important for reconciling and moving on from any damage done in a relationship. 

What is Forgiveness?

I really love this quote and definition of forgiveness given by Dr. Sidney Simon:

 "freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

In Conclusion

Refusing to apologize to and/or forgive others prevents us from being truly happy, especially within a marriage. It is important that we learn to harness our energy into practices that will bring goodness into our lives. Going through these steps of apologizing and forgiving can really help bring a married couple closer together. I have only been married for about four years now. In those four years, I have come to understand a little bit about why a good God would want his children to enjoy a marital relationship. I have experienced a level of peace and joy I never experienced before in any relationship or situation. I know that as you learn to put these steps to use in your marriage, you will notice with time that your love and trust in one another will grow even stronger.

A Hot Topic

Sex and Intimacy Within Marriage

Going into marriage couples are so optimistic and excited about their new life together that they often do not realize that struggles can and will likely be just around the corner. A large contributor to many divorces taking place within the first two years of marriage are sexual problems. Some sexual problems that are often experienced in early marriage are anticipatory anxiety, awkward and/or unsuccessful sexual interactions that tend to lead up to an avoidance of any sexual activity. At a time when a newly married couple should be getting to know each other on a deeper level and becoming one, sex can sometimes end up having the opposite effect on a marriage. This is unfortunate because sex within a marriage has the potential to be incredibly fulfilling and beautiful. Unfortunately, there are a few things that we sometimes struggle with as human beings that may hold us back from really enjoying this opportunity we have in marriage. 

I think most of us have experienced times in our life where we were not super happy with our body image. This is one reason some individuals may not be enjoying sex to the extent that is possible. Other problems that can get in the way are fear of initiating, fear of relaxing and letting go in front of your partner, and lastly, feeling embarrassed talking about sex or letting your partner see your naked body.

The media and culture all around us do a really great job at hyping sex up as this always amazing, erotic, and phenomenal experience. Specific examples that come to mind for me are Jack and Rose in The Titanic or that couple from The Notebook. The sexual experiences portrayed by these movie couples are simply not the reality for any couple. Some great studies have found that happily married couples have very good sex only about 20-25% of the time, good sex about 40-60% of the time, fair but unremarkable sex about 20-25% of the time, and lastly dissatisfying or dysfunctional sex 5-15% of the time. This information is really important, because many couples are comparing their sex lives to what they see on television or in the magazines. The truth is that those sources are highly unrealistic and not helpful to the average married couple. 

There's this concept called the "good enough" approach. This idea promotes the idea that sex is something that is meant to strengthen the marital relationship even though it is not always going to be perfect. Within in a marriage there will always be one partner who wants to have sex more often than their partner, which means that on the flip side there will also always be a partner within that same marriage who wants sex less often. Whether you are the first or second one, it doesn't matter because at some point in your marriage you will be on the other side too. There is nothing wrong with being either partner, as long as you are working to meet your spouses needs somewhere in the middle of the two levels of desire. When a couple can understand that sex is not just a physical experience, but also a spiritual and emotional experience, then they can be okay with sex not always being that mind-blowing, life-changing experience Hollywood wants us to buy into. 

"Godly sex is so much more...than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component...[A] deeper connection [within sexual relations] goes far beyond simply understanding how to overcome sexual dysfunction...It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection -- not just with our bodies but also with our souls." ~T.A. Gardner

Understanding that sex is not just an erotic and physical experience is the first step to getting past all those inhibitions that tend to creep in and start to cause problems in the relationship. Sex is the way that we work with God to bring babies into the world. There are a few reasons that sex is good for a marriage. It helps us build our precious family by having babies, it allows us to give and receive pleasure with our love, it is a way to release stress, it is a way for us to become one and feel close through the body and the soul. We must be careful to not focus on one or two of these aspects and forget the rest. Sex is such a multi-dimensional blessing for married couples that we should not forget the many ways it strengthens a marriage. 

Make an effort to stop thinking about yourself so much if it causes you to be come inhibited. Focus on your spouse and your emotional connection with them. Focus on them and enjoy the moment. Sex in a marriage is meant to bring you closer, so let that work for you and see what happens. 

Equal Partnership Within Marriage

What does equal partnership in a marriage look like and why is it so important?

David and Allison enjoying a beautiful sunset at the beach

Marry Your Equal

Early marriage is really hard. Two souls coming together in love in a very imperfect world can sound simple enough. However, every married couple finds out quickly that life throws just enough curve balls to rock the love boat sooner or later. When problems and struggles come, it can be easy to forget the reason you came together in the first place. This is why it is so important to take your decision of choosing a mate seriously. I always heard growing up, "you marry who you date". Well, isn't that the truth? The first step to creating an equal partnership is to marry your equal. 

What Does it Mean to be Equal?

For me it is important that my husband and I believe the same basic things about the purpose of life, marriage and family. I appreciate that our intelligence levels are similar, so that we can have conversations about things we both find interesting. 

Think about your background and how your life experiences have shaped who you are and what you believe. It will be important that your spouse understands these things about you. It is important to be open and honest with one another from the start, so that you can have a solid foundation to build your relationship on. It is important to discuss things such as common ideals, standards, beliefs, hopes and objectives in life. Marrying your equal also means that you each practice respect for the other, and neither of you exercises control over the other. This will be especially important in handling  the many challenges that come in a marriage and family. 

Explore Expectations

First, be aware of what you expect from your partner. Each of us comes into a marriage with some ideas of "the right way" to do things. We do not question these ideas because we may think that's just how it is. These ideas can come from what we experienced in our own home growing up, or what we saw displayed around us as the ideal. Regardless of where these ideas came from, be aware that they do exist and that there really is no one right way to do things in a marriage. A good example of this would be that I always viewed taking out the garbage as a man's job. I will take out the garbage if I am left with no other options, but for the most part I recruit either my husband or one of our sons to do this job. This idea came from my childhood home. My dad was the garbage man in our home. Now this may seem like a simple thing, but this can apply to any household chore or responsibility in the marriage. Other examples that we often have preconceived ideas about are the handling of the finances, household chores, vehicle maintenance, or even what you do on a Saturday night. If these seemingly unimportant beliefs are not disucssed, they can cause many a fight. So, first be aware of what you expect from your spouse. 

The garbage waiting to be taken out...

Be Reasonable in Your Expectations

Now you may think that all responsibilities within life should be split right down the middle for a husband and a wife, but this is really not realistic. There will always be times that the work is not equal. When children come into the picture, things can get especially difficult if you have the idea that all things should be equal. Understand that sometimes it may seem you are carrying most of the weight in the relationship, and other times your spouse will feel the weight. This is part of marriage, sharing the load of life. This is also what makes marriage so special. Whatever your expectations are, temper them and make sure you are being reasonable.

Be Clear About What You Expect

Just like I said above, I always thought it was a man's job to take out the garbage. Fortunately, for me, my husband doesn't mind taking out the garbage. I honestly cannot remember if we ever talked about this before we got married, but he is pretty laid back anyway so it all worked out. This garbage thing might seem trivial to you, but I assure you couples really do fight about this and many other trivial things simply because of a lack of communication. 

When we can communicate clearly our expectations, we can avoid hurt feelings and other conflicts that may come as a result of neglecting to do so. These conversations about our backgrounds and ideals should start within the dating process. 

One thing that I have made clear in our marriage is that we take lots of pictures together. He humors me most of the time.

Do Your Best-
 and Assume Your Partner is Doing the Same

There are going to be times where it might seem like your spouse is slacking in a certain area. They might let you down by forgetting something that is important to you or by saying something that really hurts you. Certainly there will be times that these things happen, and just as likely, he or she is probably unaware of how their actions have affected you. 

Again, communication is key in these instances. 

As you communicate your feelings and/or disappointments to your spouse, understand that he or she is probably doing the best they know how in these situations. Stress can affect our thoughts and actions, so step lightly when feeling especially stressed or if you know your spouse is experiencing extra stress.
Probably the most important thing in a marriage is patience. Do your best to be patient with your loved one. Do your best in all that you do, and assume they are doing the same. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because they deserve it, especially from you. 

"As both spouses put in their full effort, are understanding of shortcomings, and are mutually supportive, they walk the path of equal partnership."-Courtney D. Dixon

What Does the Research Say?

Studies have shown that couples who enjoy equal partnerships experience happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices and have better-functioning children. Sharing power in a marriage also leads to a greater level of satisfaction with the physical intimacy within the marriage.

Individuals who feel they are in an unequal partnership are more likely to experience depression. This is especially true for women. 

Having an unequal partnership also affects your children. Children growing up in a home where the parents have an unequal relationship are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, drug abuse and delinquency. 

Information and Resources Regarding Abusive Relationships

Although equal partnership is something to work toward and is the ideal, it is not a possible reality for many. I wanted to share this website for those of you who may be in an abusive situation or who may know someone that could use some support. This website is great for helping an individual who may not even realize they are in an abusive relationship. Abuse within an intimate relationship manifests itself in many forms and is not always readily recognized as abuse. Abuse can come in many forms such as Intimidation, Isolation, Verbal Attacks, Minimizing, Denying, Blaming, Economic Control, Using Loved Ones. Please check out this website for important information, and for help available if you find yourself in this difficult and complicated situation. 

(Research findings and other good information taken from the book, Successful Marriages and Families, 2016)

Ideas for an Enduring and Healthy Marriage

Ideas for an Enduring and Healthy Marriage

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as times goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."-Elder F. Burton Howard

Building an enduring and healthy marriage is no easy task. Although your efforts are worth the benefits that come, the benefits are not always clearly seen immediately. My husband and I started dating about five years ago and were married in June of 2014. Just like all marriages, we have passed through good times and difficult times together. There are some important processes that we have used in our marriage to make it strong. I did not make these up myself, but I have tried them and they do work. I want to share a few of them with you today.

Go on adventures with your spouse. Be goofy. Have fun. Make memories.

Friendship

Friendship will get you through the hard times that will inevitably come. We tend to treat our friends very well, and sometimes our family not so well. Does that concept seem a little backwards to anyone else? Let's see if some of these ideas can help you make the change to treating your spouse like your best friend. 

Nurture Love and Friendship in your Marriage

What do you do now on a regularly basis to nurture the friendship and love in your marriage? How much time a day are you devoting to nurturing your marriage?

Idea #1: Create a love map

A love map is a place, whether it be in your head or in a physical book, where you can keep record of things that are important to your spouse. Ideas for this would be things such as their dreams, likes, dislikes, frustrations, worries fears, favorite foods, or even their favorite dinner or candy bar. You can use this love map as a tool to love them better. By focusing on what is important and special to them, you will find it easier to show them love in the way that really speaks to them.

Use your love map to cook your spouses favorite dinner, or take them out to their favorite place to eat.

Idea #2: Connect with your spouse by talking as friends

It is easy to get caught up in the busyness of running a household, raising children, paying the bills, work responsibilities, and the list goes on. Reflect back to when you and your spouse were just dating. You and your new love would talk on the phone for hours, even sacrificing sleep to stay connected. Make an effort to recapture that feeling in your relationship today by sitting down and talking to your spouse as a friend. Show genuine interest in what they are saying, avoid giving them advice they do not ask for, avoid interrupting, validate their emotions, take their side on things, seek to understand them. These are all things that come easy early on in a relationship and somehow become more difficult as time goes on and stress levels increase. Make the effort today to be your spouses best friend.

Recapture those feelings that were so special and precious in the beginning.

Photo credit: Nichole Gaertner Photography

Idea #3: Respond to bids for connection

Sometimes it is difficult to always be emotionally available for your spouse because of children or other important responsibilities in life. However, make it a priority to respond when your spouse is reaching out for connection. Bids for connection could be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch, or anything that is them trying to say "I want to feel connected to you". This is especially important during stressful times. The times when you may not want to make the effort to be connected, especially following a fight or disagreement, is really the most important time to be responsive to bids for connection that your spouse sends. Put your pride away and respond to them with the love and attention they are asking for. 

Conclusion

I hope that these ideas help strengthen your marriage and family as they have mine. You may not get the results you want immediately, but do not give up. Keep trying new things to find what works to nurture the love and friendship in your marriage. Also, comment with any ideas you are already using that help strengthen your marriage so I can try them too. 

(Research findings and other good information taken from the book, Successful Marriages and Families, 2016)