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Sex and Intimacy Within Marriage

Going into marriage couples are so optimistic and excited about their new life together that they often do not realize that struggles can and will likely be just around the corner. A large contributor to many divorces taking place within the first two years of marriage are sexual problems. Some sexual problems that are often experienced in early marriage are anticipatory anxiety, awkward and/or unsuccessful sexual interactions that tend to lead up to an avoidance of any sexual activity. At a time when a newly married couple should be getting to know each other on a deeper level and becoming one, sex can sometimes end up having the opposite effect on a marriage. This is unfortunate because sex within a marriage has the potential to be incredibly fulfilling and beautiful. Unfortunately, there are a few things that we sometimes struggle with as human beings that may hold us back from really enjoying this opportunity we have in marriage. 

I think most of us have experienced times in our life where we were not super happy with our body image. This is one reason some individuals may not be enjoying sex to the extent that is possible. Other problems that can get in the way are fear of initiating, fear of relaxing and letting go in front of your partner, and lastly, feeling embarrassed talking about sex or letting your partner see your naked body.

The media and culture all around us do a really great job at hyping sex up as this always amazing, erotic, and phenomenal experience. Specific examples that come to mind for me are Jack and Rose in The Titanic or that couple from The Notebook. The sexual experiences portrayed by these movie couples are simply not the reality for any couple. Some great studies have found that happily married couples have very good sex only about 20-25% of the time, good sex about 40-60% of the time, fair but unremarkable sex about 20-25% of the time, and lastly dissatisfying or dysfunctional sex 5-15% of the time. This information is really important, because many couples are comparing their sex lives to what they see on television or in the magazines. The truth is that those sources are highly unrealistic and not helpful to the average married couple. 

There's this concept called the "good enough" approach. This idea promotes the idea that sex is something that is meant to strengthen the marital relationship even though it is not always going to be perfect. Within in a marriage there will always be one partner who wants to have sex more often than their partner, which means that on the flip side there will also always be a partner within that same marriage who wants sex less often. Whether you are the first or second one, it doesn't matter because at some point in your marriage you will be on the other side too. There is nothing wrong with being either partner, as long as you are working to meet your spouses needs somewhere in the middle of the two levels of desire. When a couple can understand that sex is not just a physical experience, but also a spiritual and emotional experience, then they can be okay with sex not always being that mind-blowing, life-changing experience Hollywood wants us to buy into. 

"Godly sex is so much more...than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component...[A] deeper connection [within sexual relations] goes far beyond simply understanding how to overcome sexual dysfunction...It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection -- not just with our bodies but also with our souls." ~T.A. Gardner

Understanding that sex is not just an erotic and physical experience is the first step to getting past all those inhibitions that tend to creep in and start to cause problems in the relationship. Sex is the way that we work with God to bring babies into the world. There are a few reasons that sex is good for a marriage. It helps us build our precious family by having babies, it allows us to give and receive pleasure with our love, it is a way to release stress, it is a way for us to become one and feel close through the body and the soul. We must be careful to not focus on one or two of these aspects and forget the rest. Sex is such a multi-dimensional blessing for married couples that we should not forget the many ways it strengthens a marriage. 

Make an effort to stop thinking about yourself so much if it causes you to be come inhibited. Focus on your spouse and your emotional connection with them. Focus on them and enjoy the moment. Sex in a marriage is meant to bring you closer, so let that work for you and see what happens.