Marriage: Why? and How?

What in the World is the Purpose of Marriage?

Unfortunately, it is now a common belief for many that marriage has become an obsolete institution. It is true that with science and technological advances, the institution of marriage is technically no longer necessary for survival of the individual or even for the ability to have children. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we learn that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." Some of you may be asking why in the world would the all-knowing, creator of the universe want us to join together in a union that would have the potential to be so difficult and sometimes even painful? Is it possible that those who no longer believe in marriage are looking at it in the wrong light?

Some look at marriage as something that needs to be continually serving them personally. These individuals believe the marital relationship needs to be continuously fulfilling, or they will quickly lose interest and find a way to exit the relationship. A question I have for these folks is, what would happen if your spouse suddenly became disabled or seriously ill? Would you, in that circumstance, just give up because the relationship is no longer serving you? I think we have forgotten that marriage is a lifetime commitment that is meant to stand through the tests of time. While I do understand and agree that marriage can stretch us to our limits, I also know it to be the best way to learn and develop important characteristics such as patience, forgiveness, long-suffering, acceptance of differences, and service. This has been my own personal experience. I trust that the reason God wants us to marry is that it is only through marriage that we are able to learn the important things He needs us to learn here on this earthly journey. I believe that a marriage between a man and a woman which is built on righteous principles is the ultimate path to happiness in this life and in the life to come. 

Social Scientists have found that there are many physical, mental and social health benefits associated with being married. Married adults tend to be much healthier and live longer than unmarried individuals. Married adults recover from illness and injury quicker than non-married individuals. Married folks also struggle less with depression and other mental illnesses. There was a recent study involving 30 European countries that found that there is even a happiness gap between cohabiting couples and married couples. Married people report higher levels of happiness, and higher levels of satisfaction with their sex lives than the unmarried. 

How Can I Experience More Happiness in my Marriage?

Two really important skills I have discovered to a higher degree and worked to develop in my marriage are forgiveness and seeking forgiveness. I will openly admit that I am flawed and imperfect. I sometimes do and say things within my marriage out of frustration, exhaustion or anger that I end up regretting. My husband has been a great example of seeking to understand what I am going through when I have done or said hurtful things to him. It blows my mind that even when I am the one being rude to him, he is the one that is wondering if I am okay and wanting to help me in any way that he can. This has really humbled me and led me to be more cautious of speaking and acting out when I am tired or overwhelmed. Looking back to when we were first married, I was so filled with pride and the need to be right. Gradually, his example has worked to soften my heart, and I have gotten better at seeking to understand his side of things too. As he continually forgives me of my trespasses against him, he has taught me what a beautiful thing forgiveness within a marriage can be. Apology and forgiveness have strengthened our marital bond in many ways. Neither one of us is perfect, so forgiveness is a very real and regular part of our marriage. 

Sometimes marriage is really hard and exhausting, but in the end we still got each other, which makes everything we go through totally worth it. Knowing you will always have someone on your team is pretty much priceless.
David and I after a long and beautiful day of hiking back in 2015.

What Steps Do I Need to Take in Apologizing?

The steps of apology and change are outlined in the book, On Apology by the Psychiatrist and author, Aaron Lazare. Lazare states that a successful apology includes several important parts including:

1. Acknowledgement of the offense.
2. An appropriate expression of regret, remorse, or sorrow.
3. A suitable offer of repayment or restitution.
4. A pledge for behavior reform to ensure the offense is not repeated.

Lazare explains that if any of the four elements are either missing or inadequate, the apology will fail. Each of these steps is important for reconciling and moving on from any damage done in a relationship. 

What is Forgiveness?

I really love this quote and definition of forgiveness given by Dr. Sidney Simon:

 "freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

In Conclusion

Refusing to apologize to and/or forgive others prevents us from being truly happy, especially within a marriage. It is important that we learn to harness our energy into practices that will bring goodness into our lives. Going through these steps of apologizing and forgiving can really help bring a married couple closer together. I have only been married for about four years now. In those four years, I have come to understand a little bit about why a good God would want his children to enjoy a marital relationship. I have experienced a level of peace and joy I never experienced before in any relationship or situation. I know that as you learn to put these steps to use in your marriage, you will notice with time that your love and trust in one another will grow even stronger.