Equal Partnership Within Marriage

What does equal partnership in a marriage look like and why is it so important?

David and Allison enjoying a beautiful sunset at the beach

Marry Your Equal

Early marriage is really hard. Two souls coming together in love in a very imperfect world can sound simple enough. However, every married couple finds out quickly that life throws just enough curve balls to rock the love boat sooner or later. When problems and struggles come, it can be easy to forget the reason you came together in the first place. This is why it is so important to take your decision of choosing a mate seriously. I always heard growing up, "you marry who you date". Well, isn't that the truth? The first step to creating an equal partnership is to marry your equal. 

What Does it Mean to be Equal?

For me it is important that my husband and I believe the same basic things about the purpose of life, marriage and family. I appreciate that our intelligence levels are similar, so that we can have conversations about things we both find interesting. 

Think about your background and how your life experiences have shaped who you are and what you believe. It will be important that your spouse understands these things about you. It is important to be open and honest with one another from the start, so that you can have a solid foundation to build your relationship on. It is important to discuss things such as common ideals, standards, beliefs, hopes and objectives in life. Marrying your equal also means that you each practice respect for the other, and neither of you exercises control over the other. This will be especially important in handling  the many challenges that come in a marriage and family. 

Explore Expectations

First, be aware of what you expect from your partner. Each of us comes into a marriage with some ideas of "the right way" to do things. We do not question these ideas because we may think that's just how it is. These ideas can come from what we experienced in our own home growing up, or what we saw displayed around us as the ideal. Regardless of where these ideas came from, be aware that they do exist and that there really is no one right way to do things in a marriage. A good example of this would be that I always viewed taking out the garbage as a man's job. I will take out the garbage if I am left with no other options, but for the most part I recruit either my husband or one of our sons to do this job. This idea came from my childhood home. My dad was the garbage man in our home. Now this may seem like a simple thing, but this can apply to any household chore or responsibility in the marriage. Other examples that we often have preconceived ideas about are the handling of the finances, household chores, vehicle maintenance, or even what you do on a Saturday night. If these seemingly unimportant beliefs are not disucssed, they can cause many a fight. So, first be aware of what you expect from your spouse. 

The garbage waiting to be taken out...

Be Reasonable in Your Expectations

Now you may think that all responsibilities within life should be split right down the middle for a husband and a wife, but this is really not realistic. There will always be times that the work is not equal. When children come into the picture, things can get especially difficult if you have the idea that all things should be equal. Understand that sometimes it may seem you are carrying most of the weight in the relationship, and other times your spouse will feel the weight. This is part of marriage, sharing the load of life. This is also what makes marriage so special. Whatever your expectations are, temper them and make sure you are being reasonable.

Be Clear About What You Expect

Just like I said above, I always thought it was a man's job to take out the garbage. Fortunately, for me, my husband doesn't mind taking out the garbage. I honestly cannot remember if we ever talked about this before we got married, but he is pretty laid back anyway so it all worked out. This garbage thing might seem trivial to you, but I assure you couples really do fight about this and many other trivial things simply because of a lack of communication. 

When we can communicate clearly our expectations, we can avoid hurt feelings and other conflicts that may come as a result of neglecting to do so. These conversations about our backgrounds and ideals should start within the dating process. 

One thing that I have made clear in our marriage is that we take lots of pictures together. He humors me most of the time.

Do Your Best-
 and Assume Your Partner is Doing the Same

There are going to be times where it might seem like your spouse is slacking in a certain area. They might let you down by forgetting something that is important to you or by saying something that really hurts you. Certainly there will be times that these things happen, and just as likely, he or she is probably unaware of how their actions have affected you. 

Again, communication is key in these instances. 

As you communicate your feelings and/or disappointments to your spouse, understand that he or she is probably doing the best they know how in these situations. Stress can affect our thoughts and actions, so step lightly when feeling especially stressed or if you know your spouse is experiencing extra stress.
Probably the most important thing in a marriage is patience. Do your best to be patient with your loved one. Do your best in all that you do, and assume they are doing the same. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because they deserve it, especially from you. 

"As both spouses put in their full effort, are understanding of shortcomings, and are mutually supportive, they walk the path of equal partnership."-Courtney D. Dixon

What Does the Research Say?

Studies have shown that couples who enjoy equal partnerships experience happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices and have better-functioning children. Sharing power in a marriage also leads to a greater level of satisfaction with the physical intimacy within the marriage.

Individuals who feel they are in an unequal partnership are more likely to experience depression. This is especially true for women. 

Having an unequal partnership also affects your children. Children growing up in a home where the parents have an unequal relationship are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, drug abuse and delinquency. 

Information and Resources Regarding Abusive Relationships

Although equal partnership is something to work toward and is the ideal, it is not a possible reality for many. I wanted to share this website for those of you who may be in an abusive situation or who may know someone that could use some support. This website is great for helping an individual who may not even realize they are in an abusive relationship. Abuse within an intimate relationship manifests itself in many forms and is not always readily recognized as abuse. Abuse can come in many forms such as Intimidation, Isolation, Verbal Attacks, Minimizing, Denying, Blaming, Economic Control, Using Loved Ones. Please check out this website for important information, and for help available if you find yourself in this difficult and complicated situation. 

(Research findings and other good information taken from the book, Successful Marriages and Families, 2016)