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Sex and Intimacy Within Marriage

Going into marriage couples are so optimistic and excited about their new life together that they often do not realize that struggles can and will likely be just around the corner. A large contributor to many divorces taking place within the first two years of marriage are sexual problems. Some sexual problems that are often experienced in early marriage are anticipatory anxiety, awkward and/or unsuccessful sexual interactions that tend to lead up to an avoidance of any sexual activity. At a time when a newly married couple should be getting to know each other on a deeper level and becoming one, sex can sometimes end up having the opposite effect on a marriage. This is unfortunate because sex within a marriage has the potential to be incredibly fulfilling and beautiful. Unfortunately, there are a few things that we sometimes struggle with as human beings that may hold us back from really enjoying this opportunity we have in marriage. 

I think most of us have experienced times in our life where we were not super happy with our body image. This is one reason some individuals may not be enjoying sex to the extent that is possible. Other problems that can get in the way are fear of initiating, fear of relaxing and letting go in front of your partner, and lastly, feeling embarrassed talking about sex or letting your partner see your naked body.

The media and culture all around us do a really great job at hyping sex up as this always amazing, erotic, and phenomenal experience. Specific examples that come to mind for me are Jack and Rose in The Titanic or that couple from The Notebook. The sexual experiences portrayed by these movie couples are simply not the reality for any couple. Some great studies have found that happily married couples have very good sex only about 20-25% of the time, good sex about 40-60% of the time, fair but unremarkable sex about 20-25% of the time, and lastly dissatisfying or dysfunctional sex 5-15% of the time. This information is really important, because many couples are comparing their sex lives to what they see on television or in the magazines. The truth is that those sources are highly unrealistic and not helpful to the average married couple. 

There's this concept called the "good enough" approach. This idea promotes the idea that sex is something that is meant to strengthen the marital relationship even though it is not always going to be perfect. Within in a marriage there will always be one partner who wants to have sex more often than their partner, which means that on the flip side there will also always be a partner within that same marriage who wants sex less often. Whether you are the first or second one, it doesn't matter because at some point in your marriage you will be on the other side too. There is nothing wrong with being either partner, as long as you are working to meet your spouses needs somewhere in the middle of the two levels of desire. When a couple can understand that sex is not just a physical experience, but also a spiritual and emotional experience, then they can be okay with sex not always being that mind-blowing, life-changing experience Hollywood wants us to buy into. 

"Godly sex is so much more...than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component...[A] deeper connection [within sexual relations] goes far beyond simply understanding how to overcome sexual dysfunction...It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection -- not just with our bodies but also with our souls." ~T.A. Gardner

Understanding that sex is not just an erotic and physical experience is the first step to getting past all those inhibitions that tend to creep in and start to cause problems in the relationship. Sex is the way that we work with God to bring babies into the world. There are a few reasons that sex is good for a marriage. It helps us build our precious family by having babies, it allows us to give and receive pleasure with our love, it is a way to release stress, it is a way for us to become one and feel close through the body and the soul. We must be careful to not focus on one or two of these aspects and forget the rest. Sex is such a multi-dimensional blessing for married couples that we should not forget the many ways it strengthens a marriage. 

Make an effort to stop thinking about yourself so much if it causes you to be come inhibited. Focus on your spouse and your emotional connection with them. Focus on them and enjoy the moment. Sex in a marriage is meant to bring you closer, so let that work for you and see what happens. 

Equal Partnership Within Marriage

What does equal partnership in a marriage look like and why is it so important?

David and Allison enjoying a beautiful sunset at the beach

Marry Your Equal

Early marriage is really hard. Two souls coming together in love in a very imperfect world can sound simple enough. However, every married couple finds out quickly that life throws just enough curve balls to rock the love boat sooner or later. When problems and struggles come, it can be easy to forget the reason you came together in the first place. This is why it is so important to take your decision of choosing a mate seriously. I always heard growing up, "you marry who you date". Well, isn't that the truth? The first step to creating an equal partnership is to marry your equal. 

What Does it Mean to be Equal?

For me it is important that my husband and I believe the same basic things about the purpose of life, marriage and family. I appreciate that our intelligence levels are similar, so that we can have conversations about things we both find interesting. 

Think about your background and how your life experiences have shaped who you are and what you believe. It will be important that your spouse understands these things about you. It is important to be open and honest with one another from the start, so that you can have a solid foundation to build your relationship on. It is important to discuss things such as common ideals, standards, beliefs, hopes and objectives in life. Marrying your equal also means that you each practice respect for the other, and neither of you exercises control over the other. This will be especially important in handling  the many challenges that come in a marriage and family. 

Explore Expectations

First, be aware of what you expect from your partner. Each of us comes into a marriage with some ideas of "the right way" to do things. We do not question these ideas because we may think that's just how it is. These ideas can come from what we experienced in our own home growing up, or what we saw displayed around us as the ideal. Regardless of where these ideas came from, be aware that they do exist and that there really is no one right way to do things in a marriage. A good example of this would be that I always viewed taking out the garbage as a man's job. I will take out the garbage if I am left with no other options, but for the most part I recruit either my husband or one of our sons to do this job. This idea came from my childhood home. My dad was the garbage man in our home. Now this may seem like a simple thing, but this can apply to any household chore or responsibility in the marriage. Other examples that we often have preconceived ideas about are the handling of the finances, household chores, vehicle maintenance, or even what you do on a Saturday night. If these seemingly unimportant beliefs are not disucssed, they can cause many a fight. So, first be aware of what you expect from your spouse. 

The garbage waiting to be taken out...

Be Reasonable in Your Expectations

Now you may think that all responsibilities within life should be split right down the middle for a husband and a wife, but this is really not realistic. There will always be times that the work is not equal. When children come into the picture, things can get especially difficult if you have the idea that all things should be equal. Understand that sometimes it may seem you are carrying most of the weight in the relationship, and other times your spouse will feel the weight. This is part of marriage, sharing the load of life. This is also what makes marriage so special. Whatever your expectations are, temper them and make sure you are being reasonable.

Be Clear About What You Expect

Just like I said above, I always thought it was a man's job to take out the garbage. Fortunately, for me, my husband doesn't mind taking out the garbage. I honestly cannot remember if we ever talked about this before we got married, but he is pretty laid back anyway so it all worked out. This garbage thing might seem trivial to you, but I assure you couples really do fight about this and many other trivial things simply because of a lack of communication. 

When we can communicate clearly our expectations, we can avoid hurt feelings and other conflicts that may come as a result of neglecting to do so. These conversations about our backgrounds and ideals should start within the dating process. 

One thing that I have made clear in our marriage is that we take lots of pictures together. He humors me most of the time.

Do Your Best-
 and Assume Your Partner is Doing the Same

There are going to be times where it might seem like your spouse is slacking in a certain area. They might let you down by forgetting something that is important to you or by saying something that really hurts you. Certainly there will be times that these things happen, and just as likely, he or she is probably unaware of how their actions have affected you. 

Again, communication is key in these instances. 

As you communicate your feelings and/or disappointments to your spouse, understand that he or she is probably doing the best they know how in these situations. Stress can affect our thoughts and actions, so step lightly when feeling especially stressed or if you know your spouse is experiencing extra stress.
Probably the most important thing in a marriage is patience. Do your best to be patient with your loved one. Do your best in all that you do, and assume they are doing the same. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because they deserve it, especially from you. 

"As both spouses put in their full effort, are understanding of shortcomings, and are mutually supportive, they walk the path of equal partnership."-Courtney D. Dixon

What Does the Research Say?

Studies have shown that couples who enjoy equal partnerships experience happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices and have better-functioning children. Sharing power in a marriage also leads to a greater level of satisfaction with the physical intimacy within the marriage.

Individuals who feel they are in an unequal partnership are more likely to experience depression. This is especially true for women. 

Having an unequal partnership also affects your children. Children growing up in a home where the parents have an unequal relationship are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, drug abuse and delinquency. 

Information and Resources Regarding Abusive Relationships

Although equal partnership is something to work toward and is the ideal, it is not a possible reality for many. I wanted to share this website for those of you who may be in an abusive situation or who may know someone that could use some support. This website is great for helping an individual who may not even realize they are in an abusive relationship. Abuse within an intimate relationship manifests itself in many forms and is not always readily recognized as abuse. Abuse can come in many forms such as Intimidation, Isolation, Verbal Attacks, Minimizing, Denying, Blaming, Economic Control, Using Loved Ones. Please check out this website for important information, and for help available if you find yourself in this difficult and complicated situation. 

(Research findings and other good information taken from the book, Successful Marriages and Families, 2016)

Ideas for an Enduring and Healthy Marriage

Ideas for an Enduring and Healthy Marriage

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as times goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."-Elder F. Burton Howard

Building an enduring and healthy marriage is no easy task. Although your efforts are worth the benefits that come, the benefits are not always clearly seen immediately. My husband and I started dating about five years ago and were married in June of 2014. Just like all marriages, we have passed through good times and difficult times together. There are some important processes that we have used in our marriage to make it strong. I did not make these up myself, but I have tried them and they do work. I want to share a few of them with you today.

Go on adventures with your spouse. Be goofy. Have fun. Make memories.

Friendship

Friendship will get you through the hard times that will inevitably come. We tend to treat our friends very well, and sometimes our family not so well. Does that concept seem a little backwards to anyone else? Let's see if some of these ideas can help you make the change to treating your spouse like your best friend. 

Nurture Love and Friendship in your Marriage

What do you do now on a regularly basis to nurture the friendship and love in your marriage? How much time a day are you devoting to nurturing your marriage?

Idea #1: Create a love map

A love map is a place, whether it be in your head or in a physical book, where you can keep record of things that are important to your spouse. Ideas for this would be things such as their dreams, likes, dislikes, frustrations, worries fears, favorite foods, or even their favorite dinner or candy bar. You can use this love map as a tool to love them better. By focusing on what is important and special to them, you will find it easier to show them love in the way that really speaks to them.

Use your love map to cook your spouses favorite dinner, or take them out to their favorite place to eat.

Idea #2: Connect with your spouse by talking as friends

It is easy to get caught up in the busyness of running a household, raising children, paying the bills, work responsibilities, and the list goes on. Reflect back to when you and your spouse were just dating. You and your new love would talk on the phone for hours, even sacrificing sleep to stay connected. Make an effort to recapture that feeling in your relationship today by sitting down and talking to your spouse as a friend. Show genuine interest in what they are saying, avoid giving them advice they do not ask for, avoid interrupting, validate their emotions, take their side on things, seek to understand them. These are all things that come easy early on in a relationship and somehow become more difficult as time goes on and stress levels increase. Make the effort today to be your spouses best friend.

Recapture those feelings that were so special and precious in the beginning.

Photo credit: Nichole Gaertner Photography

Idea #3: Respond to bids for connection

Sometimes it is difficult to always be emotionally available for your spouse because of children or other important responsibilities in life. However, make it a priority to respond when your spouse is reaching out for connection. Bids for connection could be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch, or anything that is them trying to say "I want to feel connected to you". This is especially important during stressful times. The times when you may not want to make the effort to be connected, especially following a fight or disagreement, is really the most important time to be responsive to bids for connection that your spouse sends. Put your pride away and respond to them with the love and attention they are asking for. 

Conclusion

I hope that these ideas help strengthen your marriage and family as they have mine. You may not get the results you want immediately, but do not give up. Keep trying new things to find what works to nurture the love and friendship in your marriage. Also, comment with any ideas you are already using that help strengthen your marriage so I can try them too. 

(Research findings and other good information taken from the book, Successful Marriages and Families, 2016)